Edward Hancock II
The Imperfect Blog
|Posted by EHancock2 on February 28, 2013 at 9:50 PM|
It's been a while since I last blogged. Been pretty busy with a book tour, holidays and writing the next Mendez tale.
I've also had a lot of thinking to do in the last several months. Not writing-related thinking. Straight up, personal thinking... specifically, my love life.
Some time back in January, an ex girlfriend of mine wrote me. Long story short, after two years, she had decided she wanted to be friends. Now, I have to say this about the woman that wrote me. I loved her. I loved her from the moment I saw her. And I loved her more than I've loved anyone in all my loving years. I mean it very much when I say that I truly thought this woman was "the one." She wasn't, and that is something I've had to learn to accept. In the end, she did not feel the same for me. I don't want to villify her when I say this, but the honest truth is that she was not over her ex-husband when we got together.
My pastor is very fond of saying "Hurting people hurt people." He's right. She was hurting when we met. And she accidently hurt me amid all her pain. I don't fault her. And, truth be told, I don't want anyone else faulting her either. Truth be told, our interaction ACTUALLY led me to do a lot of soul searching and, to be perfectly honest, I am grateful to this woman for leading me to that course of action. Had she not asked to be friends, I would not have taken the emotional journey I took, but it wound up being perhaps the most important journey I would ever take inside myself.
You see, as I pondered whether or not I could be friends with this person, a person for whom I had strong feelings right from the start, I began to review our relationship. I looked back at how things went and why they went the way they did. As I've already said, it boiled down to I loved her, she did not love me. But my journey didn't stop there. As I reached the realization that this woman had never loved me, I started looking back at every relationship I'd had in my life. Ever "romantic" relationship that is.
What I found is that all of my relationships had one single thing in common. In all of them, not once was I ever loved.
Do you know what a revelation like that does to a man? Well, it darn near killed me, and I mean that quite literally. As I thought about all of the women I've loved in my life, I went woman by woman...and not ONE of them ever returned my feelings.... EVER.
To say that I died a little inside is an understatement. I had to really do a lot of soul searching in order to pick myself up off the floor. Why has no one ever loved me? What about me is so unloveable? These are the questions I pondered.
I won't bore you with my process. In the end, I realized the problem wasn't me. It was, but it wasn't. The problem was that I picked women that needed fixing. Whether it was needing out of a bad home, needing an emotional issue fixed or just needing to stop being lonely, I picked "fixer uppers", much the same as if I was working for a home.
Why did I do this? Well, I did this because there wasn't any guess work, or so I thought. They were emotionally needy, so they were quick to say that they loved me or to be appreciative of my works. Of course, SOME of them became increasingly greedy of both my time and my "service" and would become angered, even withhold affection if I did not "service" them. So, basically, my woman picker was off. I picked the ones that were starved for affection. Even the girlfriend I mentioned at the first of this blog, she was totally love starved. But, in her case at least, she was starved for the love of a particular man and she was laboring to put an Eddie-shaped peg into an "ex-husband"-shaped hole. In the end, that would not work.
In the end, I decided to say no to a friendship with the person. Though she said she had changed, moved on past her ex and just wanted friendship with me, nothing more, I decided I just couldn't. It felt weak of me, honestly. To say no to a woman for whom I STILL carry such a brightly-burning torch. For all I know, she's reading this now and wondering what to do. I don't have any advice for her, honestly. Should she write me again and try one more time for a friendship? Or should she leave me alone and just let me live my life, dealing with feelings that will likely stay with me until my death?
In the movie, Titanic, Old Rose made the statement that "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets..." For some of us at least, the same could be applied to a man's heart as well. I'm not sure if I'll ever love again. More, I'm not sure if anyone will ever truly love ME. I think, more than anything, that's the goal now. To find someone with whom I SHARE a deep, abiding affection. Until that moment, I am left dealing with this the way that I have for years. As with many writers in my situation, I am forced to live vicariously through my happily married characters...For now, I guess that'll do.
Until next time, this blog is brought to you by the letters W, E and H and by the number 2.