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Edward Hancock II

Thrills, Chills and Spiritual Ordeals!‚Äč

The Imperfect Blog

What do I REALLY want?

Posted by EHancock2 on June 20, 2013 at 9:45 PM

It's done.

For weeks (months, maybe), I've been threatening to delete my account on the dating site PlentyofFish.com. For weeks, I've been bored by it. For weeks, I've failed to see any real future for myself and a romantic relationship.

As my writing career becomes more and more real, I am increasingly busy, between turning Mourning Reign into a screenplay, doing book signings, writing other books and trying desperately to get my publisher to release Heart Beatings.

A few months ago, I began to see that I don't really have room in my life for romance. By that, I mean starting a romance. Too, I have to be honest. I don't really have the money to court a woman. I don't have it in the budget to buy flowers, go on dates and shower her with "little gifts" that tell her how much I care. I don't have the money to take her on vacations to locations near and far. Reality is what it is and that is reality for me right now.

And so, a week or so ago, I took down my account on POF. I have to admit that I'd kept it for silly reasons. At first, I kept it because I'd made a couple of friends there that didn't have a facebook account. Eventually, they left POF. Don't know if they found someone or just gave up, but their disappearance meant one less reason to keep the account open.

After that, I "justified" keeping it open as a way of keeping one door open, in case God wanted to send somebody to me. Then I started looking at my life. In previous posts, I've discussed my romantic past. Did I really want to repeat the pattern of falling for a woman that didn't love me? No. So, why keep it open?

So then, I looked at how women had come into my life in the past. I met one on POF. I met 2 or 3 via AOL. Met another couple via Myspace or facebook. Met another in Walmart. Another in the Mall. And on and on. In short, God has allowed me to encounter people in many place, both online and offline. If God REALLY wants to bring a woman into my life, I told myself, He didn't need facebook, AOL, or POF to accomplish this goal.

And so, for three days straight, I logged into POF....

For three days straight, I couldn't do it....

On the third day, somethign weird happened. I recieved what was my first email from someone in months.

As I read the woman's letter, I felt like she seemed to be nice. Her profile gave the impression of a very together woman.

And so I answered her...

I told her, in a nutshell, that I was planning on deleting my account because I just didn't have time for a relationship right now.

She wrote me back, essentialy wishing me well, and went on her merry way.

Later that afternoon, I deleted my account. A couple days went by and I realized something.

I felt like I had given up. Like I had given up on women. Like I'd given up on God. Like I'd given up on life. Too, I came to realize I suffered from a slight loneliness. How stupid was that? I had already came to realize that I didn't have time to devote to a woman. It wouldn't be FAIR to start a relationship right now. And yet, yes, Loneliness had crept in...after cancelling my POF account.

Prior to that, I wasn't lonely. It's true. Something about having it open made me feel less "alone" in the world. I equate it to being in a living room. Your significant other is in the bedroom. When the door is closed, you can't see them. You start to wonder what they're doing. Eventually, you get up and go see what they're doing. If, however, the door i open, you don't have to check. You can look right into the room. You can wave, smile. They'll wave back. Maybe even blow you a kiss.

I don't know if that makes sense, but that's the best analogy I can make.

Fact is, though, it's not time. It's not time for me to have a relationship. It's not time. Not because I say so. Because God says so. I truly believe that. I don't believe God is saying "No" to a relationship. I TRULY believe he's saying "not yet."

I'm still battling feelings of loneliness, if I'm being honest. I'm trying to trust in God's timing, but it's hard. I can't lie. The right thing, its' been said, isn't often the easy thing. And this isn't easy. I've wanted to be a part of a successful (happy) relationship since as long as I can remember. Even while my one career goal has been to be a writer since I was 9 or 10 years old, I was about that age when I decided I wanted to be married and have a successful, happy, awesome relationship with a strong, Godly woman.

Can I have them both? I've already said I believe God is simply saying, "Not yet." But, I'd be silly not to acknowledge the fact that I could be wrong about that. Maybe the "Not yet" idea is just a pipe dream. Maybe I've had my shot and it's over now. Maybe I'm NOT meant to have a strong, loving, Godly woman by my side. Maybe, in this dark, evil-filled world, such a woman doesn't REALLY exist. If she does, maybe she's already got a man.

I want to believe in "Not yet." But, at the same time, I'm trying to accept the fact, God just might be saying "No."

Ah well. Why would I want a woman I couldn't support right now anyway, right?

 

Until next time, this WRITER's blog is brought to you by the confused letters W, E and H and by the hopeful number 2.

 

 

 

 

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